If you are a mom, there are things you know to be true, things you keep between your brain and yourself, things you would never, ever in a month of Sundays let on to the outside world. You have the ultimate mom poker face when it comes to these things, but we're about to blow the lid off your game. Come on now, don't pretend you don't ever think or do these.
1. You Laugh When Your Kid Swears
We all know kids swearing is double bad. We all know as a society, and as parents, we should be doing everything within our powers to stop kids from cursing. However, the reality is when your chubby-cheeked toddler spits a swear word out of the blue with a cheeky smile, although one side of your brain is issuing major WARNING! WARNING! DO NOT LAUGH!!! signals, it's all you can do to stop yourself from laughing out loud from the unexpectedness of their profanity.
2. You Play the No Baby Sitter Card
Let's face it, once kids are in the equation, your social life takes a major hit. In between kids' demands, house needs, work hours, and the plethora of other responsibilities that sit on your shoulders, sometimes you would rather plop down on the sofa with your hair in a greasy tangle, eating ice cream out of a tub while watching mindless trash on TV. Thinking of something intelligible to say to any member of the outside world is out of the question.
While a night out with your BFFs seems like just what you should need, what you really need is to crawl under a rock for a while. When you said "let's catch up soon," what you actually meant was, "let's catch up next lifetime, when I have no kids." Left with few options, you become that special type of human being that plays the low down and dirty "No Baby Sitter Card," even though you didn't even book one in the first place.
3. Work Is Like a Holiday
While the rest of the population is dreading the back-to-work feeling of a Monday morning, look closely at moms on their Monday morning commute and you may just see them hopping and skipping in delight at the relative freedom that awaits. Working moms may get home from work on Friday deliriously happy to have some "quality time" with their sproglets, but it's usually only a matter of time before the honeymoon feeling has been well and truly busted, and they are counting down to the end of the weekend.
Endless demands, activities, law-enforcing and general craziness mean that as much as we love our kids, there's nothing we look forward to more than the relative peace and quiet of settling back into work on a Monday morning.
4. You Hate to Share
Moms seem to spend most of those early years teaching their children to share. After all, encouraging our children to share will make them well loved, and stop them from being a brat. However, deep down inside, moms are the biggest hypocrites because little does the outside world know, we hate sharing!
No, we don't want to share our last piece of chocolate, particularly not with our little darlings. On top of that, we will go out of our way to hide anything share-worthy from our little cherubs so we can enjoy every single little morsel ourselves! Yes, we teach our children that they should share their food with their playmates, but heaven help the fool who tries to lay a finger on a single crumb of food on our plate. While we expect our bambinos to share their toys, we literally break out into a cold sweat if someone lays a hand on our tablet.
5. You Don't Want to Play
To the outside world, a mom's kids might seem like the most delightful bundle of fun. They're kind of like the ultimate toy, if you only have to spend an hour or so with them. With that said, when you have had to play being "doggie" for the gazillionth time over that week, or pretend to be a superhero three hundred times a day, or pander to their latest non-stop choo-choo/airplane/princess dress up obsession like it was going out of fashion, it's a totally different ball game.
The truth is that most moms, although still plastering a smile on their faces, would prefer to be presented with a "Beam me up Scotty" option. While trapped on this furious hamster wheel of play, that mound of dirty laundry or bathroom floor that needs a scrub starts to look deliriously appealing.
Now that the rest of the world knows what's really going on up there in our gray matter, there are a few less things we have to explain about ourselves!